Revising for Level of Interest

In a letter of application, you should express a clear interest in a special opportunity. To show the proper level of interest, share what you know about the opportunity and give details about yourself. However, too much contrived enthusiasm or too little interest will reflect poorly on you. The following passages come from a letter of application to an elite soccer camp. Each shows a different level of interest.

Sample 1

I saw the ad for your camp. I thought about being a goalie. Maybe I could come to your camp.

(The writer does not sound interested and does not include specific details.)

Sample 2

I would really, truly love to come to your terrific camp. I have heard so much about it from all my friends and would be so honored if I could come. Soccer is my life. Your camp could help me so much. Please, please consider me for a spot at your camp.

(This writer sounds a little too excited and doesn’t include specific details.)

Sample 3

I am applying for a spot at Super Forwards Summer Camp. Your camp was recommended by my coach. I have been playing soccer since I was three. I am a good goal scorer, but I need to develop new moves. I'd like to learn to use my left foot more effectively. Please consider me for your camp.

(This writer sounds genuinely interested. He or she gives personal details and a reason for wanting to go to the camp.)

1. My coach thinks that Runner’s Camp would really help my speed. I'm applying because he told me to. My coach thinks that Runner’s Camp would really help my speed. I'm applying because he told me to.
2. I am a city kid who is totally freaked out by spiders. So I think it would be awesome if I could go to your camp. You could teach me how to deal with scary animals. That would be so great. My mother wouldn’t have to catch all the spiders in the house anymore. Thanks! I am a city kid who is totally freaked out by spiders. So I think it would be awesome if I could go to your camp. You could teach me how to deal with scary animals. That would be so great. My mother wouldn’t have to catch all the spiders in the house anymore. Thanks!
3. Please consider me for a spot at Green Kids Camp. Even though I live in the city, I know that people need to learn more about the environment. I would bring my camp experiences back to the city in the fall and share them with my friends and classmates. Please consider me for a spot at Green Kids Camp. Even though I live in the city, I know that people need to learn more about the environment. I would bring my camp experiences back to the city in the fall and share them with my friends and classmates.
4. This is an application for a place at your computer camp. My dad says that knowing about computers is the key to getting a good job later. I guess I could learn about computers. Maybe your camp would help. This is an application for a place at your computer camp. My dad says that knowing about computers is the key to getting a good job later. I guess I could learn about computers. Maybe your camp would help.
5. Please let me volunteer at your day care center! I really love kids! They are so much fun. I would really love to work at your day care center and learn as much as I can! Thanks a bunch! Please let me volunteer at your day care center! I really love kids! They are so much fun. I would really love to work at your day care center and learn as much as I can! Thanks a bunch!
6. I would like to attend the Young Artists Camp this summer. Painting is one way that I feel I can express myself. My goal is to become an artist. I believe that your camp would help me reach my goal. Please consider my application. I would like to attend the Young Artists Camp this summer. Painting is one way that I feel I can express myself. My goal is to become an artist. I believe that your camp would help me reach my goal. Please consider my application.

Revised Passage

Revising for Sentence Style

Too many short sentences in a row can make your writing sound choppy. You can combine simple sentences into one complex sentence to make your writing flow more smoothly. A subordinate conjunction is one type of connecting word or phrase that is used to create complex sentences. Words like after, when, since, because, while, and before are examples of subordinate conjunctions.

Short sentences:

Parnell was elected team captain. He leads by example.

Combined sentence:

Parnell was elected team captain because he leads by example.

(The two simple sentences are combined into a complex sentence using the connecting word “because.”)

Note: Insert a comma after the first part of a complex sentence if the connecting word comes at the beginning of the sentence. (See the second sentence below.)

1. Toshi makes jewelry. She has some free time. (whenever)

   Toshi makes jewelry whenever she has some free time.

2. Paulo ate lunch. There were three phone calls. (while)

   While Paulo ate lunch, there were three phone calls.

3. Candice filled her basketball with air. She shot baskets. (before)
4. Theo walked home. He found his wallet. (when)
5. You’ve finished the assignment. You’re not ready for the test. (unless)
6. It rained for an hour. Our baseball game will be played. (although)
7. We went to Chris’s house. We played video games. (after)
8. You finish your work early. You can go to the city pool. (if)
9. I will help you with your assignment. You pay attention. (as long as)
10. Taisha checked on the cookies. She returned to her homework. (before)
11. Kristos mowed the lawn. Ravi trimmed the bushes. (while)
12. Bianca wished she could hide. She was so embarrassed. (because)

Revising with a Peer Response

Revising in Action

When you revise, you add, delete, rewrite, and rearrange your writing to make it clearer. Here are some revisions to the application letter to SeaScapes Scuba Camp.

• Paragraph Before Revisions

  

• A usage error is fixed and a command sentence is created.

  

• Paragraph After Revisions

  

Ideas